Baby Steps

Yesterday, I watched How To Be Single with Mon. It's funny, relatable, and it's actually a perfectly done feel good movie. I am not here to write a review of it of course, but just to say how much I liked how it went and how I did get inspired in the end - to travel the world, do the things I love and enjoy the most, write in depth about the things that I care about, and read the books I have always wanted to.

After all, I have been independent most of my life. I was brought up in a single parent household, only because my father died when I was a year and a half old. I have started going to school on my own when I reached 5th grade, and I perfectly managed mornings making breakfast for myself and the rest of the day mostly alone.

I have plenty of friends and to be honest I have never felt lonely althroughout those years except when I came here to Singapore for work. It was when I realized that even though there are days when I am perfectly fine alone, the dire need for someone to be there on chosen days are not non-existent at all.

Yet another snap that he took while I was about to take a selfie on the other side

I have understood now that yes, it is possible to be lonely, yes it's possible to become helpless and out of sync with the world, but there are ways to make it better, at least a bit. He once told me that for me to get better at this (life), I have to make habits that last. Of course, it would last if its a habit (what's the point right, that was too redundant), but I meant building things, rituals, or hobbies that you know you will always be able to come back to when the world is attempting to crash on you.

By now, I should have perfectly gotten the scheme that you shouldn't depend on someone to be happy, but believe it or not, I haven't completely learned it. I wouldn't say either that I'm getting there but I am trying and I know I am not in it in vain.

One of the most common mistakes of human existence is depending on people for comfort and purpose, and it's not wrong. After all, that is how we learn to love and co-exist. But what's wrong is when you totally depend your happiness on someone that when they leave or give you any less of the attention you think you deserve, it makes you so sick that you fail to see the good things.

As what I always reiterate on my previous entries, life is so freaking beautiful. And even though there are days when I lie on the bed staring at the window and crying, I haven't lost the enthusiasm for it. Last week, I was talking to a friend and I told her that I was scared of the future and how I go crazy remembering how he looked at me with eyes glistening and how I miss that every single day from then. She told me every freaking day I would wake up for God knows how long feeling like hell, but she will be there. And honestly, that single message of assurance was all I needed.

I don't need any other assurance than "I will be there" because I can figure out all the other things on my own - I just want to know if someone's ready to stick it out for me until I am fine and back to my old self. I thought I was more than happy when he came and I enjoyed every bit of it, but when he left, I was dumbfounded that him leaving would have this effect on me. Don't get me wrong, I am still intact but I felt as if something really important left me and it bore a gut wrenching feeling on my heart.

At first, I wanted to be mad at him so I can easily forget him, but then I thought, wouldn't it be unfair to be angry at the person who made you feel happy? After all, he only gave me such beautiful memories to remember and I wouldn't want to cloud it with bitterness and deceit. Whatever happens, he will always be a good friend of mine (and I don't want to get angry at him, who would tour me around Delhi when I finally get the chance to go there :p) - someone whom I would always relate good things to.

So I am moving forward. I am going to continue having the courage to wake up every day because even if it hurts like hell as of the moment, life is nothing but beautiful. I wouldn't want to dare miss it for the world. That is not a promise though that I wouldn't write about him anymore (I still said I would write about the things I care about), but I will be moving on to create new memories and achieve the things I've been dreaming of. It might seem like there is nothing to look forward to right now but soon there will be and I have to keep reminding myself that I will get through this.

Go kick some ass, girl.

One step at a time. Read and use his Kindle account. Write. Travel the places you have always wanted to visit. Fill your colouring books. Sign up for an encounter with dolphins and seals. Get as many hugs from Cookie as you can. Hike the Grand Canyon like Alice if you wish to. (See, I practically said most of the things I would want to do and keep doing.) You will get there. As for the mean time, enjoy and spend good time alone. Make the most out of it because it might never come again.

I would insert some valuable travel entries here, soon. Remember, baby steps.

Love,

Faye