Saturday, September 19

To My Almost

"I just want to belong to someone, Ruby. I'm tired of waiting. 
And it feels good with him." 

In the past few weeks, I've been constantly struggling. Struggling at work to keep up with the paper works, struggling with being away from my friends, struggling from the sadness brought by my Mama and Tito's departure, and struggling from forgetting you and how good you made me feel. There are days when I would be sad, cry, and wait for the misery to pass by... But nonetheless, I am grateful.

There is this person who made me feel so much better even though I am miles away from home; and this entry would be dedicated to him. Even if it's an imagination, a dream, or something that only I was able to feel, I am still going to write however I feel for you and that's okay.

I will never forget the first time you talked to me thru text. At the back of my mind, I was thinking... This man is so lame for saying the corniest pick-up lines and yet he made me smile. I was going through lots of work and I couldn't reply quick so I told him sorry but I won't be able to send fast messages back and he said it was okay, he was patient anyway.

Few days on and we talked about meeting each other and I really didn't have plans to meet you but you were just so persistent that I felt, maybe he is not that bad at all. He sounds so open and cool, very thoughtful even (clearly it was his sales skills), so why not give it a go?

When I met you, you were skinny and to be honest it wasn't exactly my type. Anyway, what could go wrong right? You sound so smart, honest, and all the more, you were the perfect gentleman. You would open the door, take whatever I need without being asked, and assist me do things that I would normally and was used to doing myself.

The past two months was a high. I got spoiled with good morning texts everyday, random compliments that would just come out of you, and your patience is nothing to be compared of. I love how I would learn things from you or how you just give me unsolicited touches to make me feel better. You knew the right things to say when I was sad or when I was just mad that you slept off the night before. I saw how you value your family and I thought, this is the kind of man that I would want to be with. I saw how you smile and how you were eager to tell me about your life - and I valued every second of it. I even remember when you showed me the Youtube video of the mathematics skill that I've seen Indians do and your cute laugh and joy when I finally learned how to do it - and the remark that you said when you see me enjoying it. That time when you asked me if you can meet my Mum when she visits (no one ever asked me that), I was surprised and I laughed. Who would do that? We are not even together. But deep inside, I was quite happy. You wanted to meet the people who mattered to me, and it's not all the time in our lives when people close to us would value the people we love the most. When I would scream at you in texts and just demanded things to be done due to my hormonal imbalance, when I seemed like this crazy girl that no one could deal with, you remained patient and even if we both know you were already annoyed, you remained cool, and you stayed. That's the remarkable part - you always stayed.

I don't love you, that's for sure. I know it for myself and I have always known. But you were great, and what makes me sad is the fact that you wouldn't be there for the rest of the journey that I have. How you made me smile every morning, how you comforted me when I wasn't feeling the best of myself, how you made me realize that whatever happens - I should be happy because I deserve nothing but that.

You and me knows why you had to go and I completely understand. The other day, I was talking to a friend and she told me, every time you're sad because he walked away, think. If there is any way that he would choose you will you be able to stay with him? No. Yes, I thought of introducing you to my family, letting my cousins meet you because they were just so excited for me (I've always been a baby and I never had anyone meet them), and I know they would be happy to meet you since for sure they'll be impressed by how hard working, smart, and decent you are. But after that, I barely see anything to follow... Honestly, what more can I do and offer? I can't even let you meet my Mum, only because I know she wouldn't approve. And even if there were a few times that I attempted to tell her, I only backed out as I was too scared of her reaction, even if I was just going to introduce you as a friend. Clearly, there's nothing more I can do and I wouldn't want you to waste your time with someone who couldn't even determine the future. So I realized, it's okay. It's okay to watch you walk away and to proceed being happy with someone else; because there's someone meant for you and that's not me.

When a person has made you smile and made you feel like nothing will be able to turn your world around - you will treasure him. And I will always do. Thank you for being a good one. When I was not my best and I was just angry and impatient, you were still there. When I always blamed you for being too attached and all the other things - you understood. I hope all the best for you and yes, I will remain the happy giddy girl that I am because that's how it was when you came and it will be still be even if you leave. All I wish for is one last time - one last time to see you smile, one last time to hear you say something, one last time to touch and hug you, one last time to finally say good bye. And no matter how hard it will be to get it, I will still pray and hope.

You were my shining star, my almost, my what if - I will never forget you and all the happy memories you gave me in a very short time. Thank you for being you and keep on chasing your dreams - the rest I will tell you when we finally meet.