Saturday, February 27

Late Night

Today scares me. I am so scared to sleep and wake up later knowing you didn't take the flight. You should be on your way back now. I wish you were on your way back, but I could only ever wish :(

I should have been waking up later too excited that I can finally call you again, say my usual hola greeting, see your face or touch you. But instead I would be too scared to even remember what day is it so I can forget the fact that you won't be coming back anymore.

Citirizine, I need you.

Baby Steps

Yesterday, I watched How To Be Single with Mon. It's funny, relatable, and it's actually a perfectly done feel good movie. I am not here to write a review of it of course, but just to say how much I liked how it went and how I did get inspired in the end - to travel the world, do the things I love and enjoy the most, write in depth about the things that I care about, and read the books I have always wanted to.

After all, I have been independent most of my life. I was brought up in a single parent household, only because my father died when I was a year and a half old. I have started going to school on my own when I reached 5th grade, and I perfectly managed mornings making breakfast for myself and the rest of the day mostly alone.

I have plenty of friends and to be honest I have never felt lonely althroughout those years except when I came here to Singapore for work. It was when I realized that even though there are days when I am perfectly fine alone, the dire need for someone to be there on chosen days are not non-existent at all.

Yet another snap that he took while I was about to take a selfie on the other side

I have understood now that yes, it is possible to be lonely, yes it's possible to become helpless and out of sync with the world, but there are ways to make it better, at least a bit. He once told me that for me to get better at this (life), I have to make habits that last. Of course, it would last if its a habit (what's the point right, that was too redundant), but I meant building things, rituals, or hobbies that you know you will always be able to come back to when the world is attempting to crash on you.

By now, I should have perfectly gotten the scheme that you shouldn't depend on someone to be happy, but believe it or not, I haven't completely learned it. I wouldn't say either that I'm getting there but I am trying and I know I am not in it in vain.

One of the most common mistakes of human existence is depending on people for comfort and purpose, and it's not wrong. After all, that is how we learn to love and co-exist. But what's wrong is when you totally depend your happiness on someone that when they leave or give you any less of the attention you think you deserve, it makes you so sick that you fail to see the good things.

As what I always reiterate on my previous entries, life is so freaking beautiful. And even though there are days when I lie on the bed staring at the window and crying, I haven't lost the enthusiasm for it. Last week, I was talking to a friend and I told her that I was scared of the future and how I go crazy remembering how he looked at me with eyes glistening and how I miss that every single day from then. She told me every freaking day I would wake up for God knows how long feeling like hell, but she will be there. And honestly, that single message of assurance was all I needed.

I don't need any other assurance than "I will be there" because I can figure out all the other things on my own - I just want to know if someone's ready to stick it out for me until I am fine and back to my old self. I thought I was more than happy when he came and I enjoyed every bit of it, but when he left, I was dumbfounded that him leaving would have this effect on me. Don't get me wrong, I am still intact but I felt as if something really important left me and it bore a gut wrenching feeling on my heart.

At first, I wanted to be mad at him so I can easily forget him, but then I thought, wouldn't it be unfair to be angry at the person who made you feel happy? After all, he only gave me such beautiful memories to remember and I wouldn't want to cloud it with bitterness and deceit. Whatever happens, he will always be a good friend of mine (and I don't want to get angry at him, who would tour me around Delhi when I finally get the chance to go there :p) - someone whom I would always relate good things to.

So I am moving forward. I am going to continue having the courage to wake up every day because even if it hurts like hell as of the moment, life is nothing but beautiful. I wouldn't want to dare miss it for the world. That is not a promise though that I wouldn't write about him anymore (I still said I would write about the things I care about), but I will be moving on to create new memories and achieve the things I've been dreaming of. It might seem like there is nothing to look forward to right now but soon there will be and I have to keep reminding myself that I will get through this.

Go kick some ass, girl.
One step at a time. Read and use his Kindle account. Write. Travel the places you have always wanted to visit. Fill your colouring books. Sign up for an encounter with dolphins and seals. Get as many hugs from Cookie as you can. Hike the Grand Canyon like Alice if you wish to. (See, I practically said most of the things I would want to do and keep doing.) You will get there. As for the mean time, enjoy and spend good time alone. Make the most out of it because it might never come again.

I would insert some valuable travel entries here, soon. Remember, baby steps.


Sunday, February 21

Hello, Sunday

To say I have the words for how much it has torn me into pieces when you left is an understatement - I don't have the words for it, and finding the perfect ones are almost impossible; but I want you to know how much you mean to me and there is nothing that could express that best than in writing.

I couldn't even begin to tell the story of how you came into my life - as the mere memory of it makes me remember how happy I felt when I was with you and that mere memory makes me want to breakdown and cry. How we met wasn't something extraordinary, yes, but everything that happened after that was; and all I can say is thank you.

My mind is like a video player that is on continuous repeat mode - only to replay the moments that you made me laugh, smile, or even whisper a "thank you" to God for bringing you into my life. And you know what hurts me? It's when all those moments play and I couldn't remember a single moment that made me feel bad or cry (except that time when you forgot that we were supposed to check the dogs in Poodles Cafe but that was because I was too annoyed that I cried); there wasn't any other moment that I cried or felt bad when I was with you, because you always knew how to make me feel better. You took part in making my world a better place, you taught me how to calm myself down when I am starting to act up because I couldn't get the things that I want or something as simple as I want to sleep and I couldn't - you always had a solution for things, you always had a way with me.

No matter how overreacting this sounds, I have to admit I am scared of the future and the only reason it makes me feel better at times is knowing that the only way to be okay is by trying to face every single day without you. The night you left, I was so scared to sleep because I know when I wake up, I won't be able to do my usual routine of bugging you on a Saturday morning - calling you on FaceTime and telling you what I am going to read, watch, or just plainly annoying you. I am scared to go through Sunday and realize that you are not there anymore to say I want to watch a movie, feed the turtles, or do colouring books with. I am so scared for the following weekends to come because you were a regular person to spend the weekends with and I don't even want to dare facing them without you.

Tears fill my eyes when I look through the window and grasp the idea that you won't be here anymore - to laugh with, tell my lame jokes to (make me pathetically smile when you tell yours), call or WhatsApp, hug, or even kiss. It doesn't make sense whenever I remember that you didn't really want to leave and yet you were taken away from me. They are dropping again as I write this and I just miss you badly, there is nothing I would do to have you back with me even for a while. To bully you in giving me kisses every two minutes, wrapping your arms around me, waking you up when you're sleeping, or sitting beside me so I can use you as a magic pillow to feel safe.

I can still vividly remember the moments that made me smile most - the honest remarks that would randomly come out of your mouth, that time when I peed inside the room and your face was just bloodshot you couldn't think of anything to say but "it's okay", and the fact that you had to clean it two hours later but you still think I am adorable (I could tell by the way you look at me when I do my puppy face that shows nothing but remorse for peeing), when I display my out-of-the-world clingy behaviours that gives way for your patience to be practiced, and whenever I ask for "chompans" and you would tell me you don't want to give but you're almost there and we both burst into laughter.

Randomly, I would open my photos gallery, check the snaps we took together, and I feel my heart breaking into a million pieces. It's different how you made me smile even just by sitting beside me or staring at you when you sleep. I'll miss how your eyes looked like and how I always kissed them when I had the chance. There might be a million words to tell you how I feel but not one of them perfectly fits the puzzle.

Thank you for taking the best photos (more like, for making me smile effortlessly for these photos)
I couldn't even begin to end this entry, because I know that ending this would just make me closer to accepting that you will no longer be around. You are in my thoughts and prayers - I hope you find the peace of mind that you want, find a job or start a business that you would put your passion and life into, marry a woman that would make your heart skip a beat every second, and give the security that you wish your family would always have. I may never have uttered those three words when I had the chance but I know my actions were enough for you to at least feel them. Thank you for setting the standard, for giving me something you refer to as best

Now I have something greater to remember India for - you. You have always known my fascination for Taj Mahal and even the last time you were with me, you assured me that it is something beautiful, something that I should definitely visit someday. I may have said this countless of times now but thank you for giving me such beautiful memories, for setting the standard, for showing me that there is someone out there meant to treat me well, and that at any given moment, I should never settle for anything less than the best.

This probably wouldn't be the last time I will write about you but for the mean time, it's all my heart could speak of. Hasta la próxima vez, Mi Amor.