Hello, Sunday

To say I have the words for how much it has torn me into pieces when you left is an understatement - I don't have the words for it, and finding the perfect ones are almost impossible; but I want you to know how much you mean to me and there is nothing that could express that best than in writing.

I couldn't even begin to tell the story of how you came into my life - as the mere memory of it makes me remember how happy I felt when I was with you and that mere memory makes me want to breakdown and cry. How we met wasn't something extraordinary, yes, but everything that happened after that was; and all I can say is thank you.

My mind is like a video player that is on continuous repeat mode - only to replay the moments that you made me laugh, smile, or even whisper a "thank you" to God for bringing you into my life. And you know what hurts me? It's when all those moments play and I couldn't remember a single moment that made me feel bad or cry (except that time when you forgot that we were supposed to check the dogs in Poodles Cafe but that was because I was too annoyed that I cried); there wasn't any other moment that I cried or felt bad when I was with you, because you always knew how to make me feel better. You took part in making my world a better place, you taught me how to calm myself down when I am starting to act up because I couldn't get the things that I want or something as simple as I want to sleep and I couldn't - you always had a solution for things, you always had a way with me.

No matter how overreacting this sounds, I have to admit I am scared of the future and the only reason it makes me feel better at times is knowing that the only way to be okay is by trying to face every single day without you. The night you left, I was so scared to sleep because I know when I wake up, I won't be able to do my usual routine of bugging you on a Saturday morning - calling you on FaceTime and telling you what I am going to read, watch, or just plainly annoying you. I am scared to go through Sunday and realize that you are not there anymore to say I want to watch a movie, feed the turtles, or do colouring books with. I am so scared for the following weekends to come because you were a regular person to spend the weekends with and I don't even want to dare facing them without you.

Tears fill my eyes when I look through the window and grasp the idea that you won't be here anymore - to laugh with, tell my lame jokes to (make me pathetically smile when you tell yours), call or WhatsApp, hug, or even kiss. It doesn't make sense whenever I remember that you didn't really want to leave and yet you were taken away from me. They are dropping again as I write this and I just miss you badly, there is nothing I would do to have you back with me even for a while. To bully you in giving me kisses every two minutes, wrapping your arms around me, waking you up when you're sleeping, or sitting beside me so I can use you as a magic pillow to feel safe.

I can still vividly remember the moments that made me smile most - the honest remarks that would randomly come out of your mouth, that time when I peed inside the room and your face was just bloodshot you couldn't think of anything to say but "it's okay", and the fact that you had to clean it two hours later but you still think I am adorable (I could tell by the way you look at me when I do my puppy face that shows nothing but remorse for peeing), when I display my out-of-the-world clingy behaviours that gives way for your patience to be practiced, and whenever I ask for "chompans" and you would tell me you don't want to give but you're almost there and we both burst into laughter.

Randomly, I would open my photos gallery, check the snaps we took together, and I feel my heart breaking into a million pieces. It's different how you made me smile even just by sitting beside me or staring at you when you sleep. I'll miss how your eyes looked like and how I always kissed them when I had the chance. There might be a million words to tell you how I feel but not one of them perfectly fits the puzzle.

Thank you for taking the best photos (more like, for making me smile effortlessly for these photos)

I couldn't even begin to end this entry, because I know that ending this would just make me closer to accepting that you will no longer be around. You are in my thoughts and prayers - I hope you find the peace of mind that you want, find a job or start a business that you would put your passion and life into, marry a woman that would make your heart skip a beat every second, and give the security that you wish your family would always have. I may never have uttered those three words when I had the chance but I know my actions were enough for you to at least feel them. Thank you for setting the standard, for giving me something you refer to as best. 

Now I have something greater to remember India for - you. You have always known my fascination for Taj Mahal and even the last time you were with me, you assured me that it is something beautiful, something that I should definitely visit someday. I may have said this countless of times now but thank you for giving me such beautiful memories, for setting the standard, for showing me that there is someone out there meant to treat me well, and that at any given moment, I should never settle for anything less than the best.

This probably wouldn't be the last time I will write about you but for the mean time, it's all my heart could speak of. Hasta la próxima vez, Mi Amor.