You, Yes You

Today, I was sitting in the middle of my class when a random thought confronted me. It was strange, I was thinking, what would have happened if seven or eight years ago, I pursued and actually gave in to this Filipino guy who was at that time trying to make his moves on me. Like, I was in this train of thought, trying to think of what if's and how all these things led me to where I am now and I concluded with the realisation that life had all these events lined up exactly to get to where I am supposed to be.

Ten months ago, I was like a piece of a puzzle which doesn't belong in another hundred pieces of a different one. With all positivity, I tried to fit in, figuring it all out. Until it dawned me that whatever I do, it just won't fit any piece - I have to let it go and stop finding where I am supposed to match, in a hundred pieces of puzzle that's totally different than mine.

One day, life made it's mysterious move on me and I finally ended up on the box - my box. My box with all the other hundred pieces that would perfectly fit. The story wasn't extra ordinary, but getting there, man it was worth it. 

It was a constant battle in the beginning. I was pretty much used to the old box that I kept on trying to get it back, insisting that those pieces were where I belonged. But this box was patient and he was there, even on days that I refused to be that piece. Even after he discovered that because of desperately trying to fit in the pieces of the old box, my edges got worn out and dulled.

Slowly, I tried to see if the pieces do match. Then I realised I wasn't alone, the box was indeed full of the right pieces, it's just that there were days and nights when it was not taken care of, left deserted, devalued of what a beautiful picture it would be if one has bothered to put the pieces together.

In the middle of all that chaos, life made me realise how beautiful it can be. I was in the right box with all the run-down pieces and when we were finally put together, words couldn't describe the delicately fascinating picture that it showed.

Amidst everything I went through, switching through the wrong boxes and trying to keep the ones that didn't fit, my piece of the puzzle was thankful that life, in its journey of constant surprises brought me to the right box with all the matching pieces. That's my story and faith and hope got me where I am meant to be.

Love,
Faye

My Random Saturday

Hello, world.

A break from my travel stories once again, something personal. I was watching a few videos and started becoming emotional. I have always wondered where I am into forgetting you and how we once were.

It's true, I have been able to move forward - move forward in a sense that I don't spend my nights lying on my bed crying anymore or staring into the sky but I think I have just mastered the art of running away from it. Running away from whatever is causing me to be sad or sulky. I have learned that feelings do pass, and even the feelings you had when you had those memories, may it be happy or sad. Although it doesn't and will never change the fact that no matter how hard you try, you will miss the good times - how he brushes your hair out of your face on random moments of the day, how even if you are seated away from each other on the bus he manages to assure you that he's there, or how he gives you the hug or kiss that you want wherever, whenever he deems it makes you feel a little better. I miss the normalcy - the feeling of being normal and still being together. I miss how I used to tease you, show you my happy dance, or be annoying, and it will still be the same. I miss how you look at me like I am an adorable piece of creature who came out of the sky. I miss how I message you whenever I don't have an outfit in mind therefore obliging you to choose from options. I miss how you always assured me that whatever is happening, you are there. It didn't matter what situation I was in, even if you don't have the perfect solution, I don't feel scared knowing that every single thing might mess up but you won't.

I mean, seriously, how can people have relationships, watch it break down, be gone, and be okay? The thought that this person who used to be an important part of your Sundays, your weekdays, and every single day, won't be available to witness how amazing you have been. It makes me cry sometimes knowing that I have matured, I have become this responsible person at work who never misses a single paper work or deadline, and you are not here to witness all of it. I know you'd tell me you are proud of me and that I shouldn't think of it as something you did or helped me with, and that it's all me but those are even the remarks that I miss the most. I miss every single moment, dear. I don't know when or how but time will come and it will all be better (without the running away).

A Peek Into My Singapore Life

Hello, world!

After 5 months of no-show, as I have been healing my broken heart and trying to find my continuity from what has happened, I finally realised that it's time to start writing again! Of course, not of my own personal life but my travel stories. I am totally behind!

As I recall, my last entry was about our third and last day in the Bicol Region. After that trip, I was off for quite a while with regards to traveling since I had a short break from working for 4 months. Then I went to Singapore to find my luck here and tadaaaaaa, I found myself a job after two months of searching!

Now, I'll share some of the beautiful places I have discovered in Singapore as I lived here for the past 1 year and 11 months (counting down to my second anniversary on the 29th yay!!!). It has been a roller coaster ride to be honest. I have heard a lot of people say that deciding to work overseas is an easy way out but as far as I am concerned, it's not that all easy. Thankfully, Singapore is a very beautiful and small country with a reliable mode of transportation (bus and MRT lines), great places to discover, and an amazing diverse culture which makes it really fun to be in! Not to mention, an overload of Chinese, Malay, and Indian food that is all the more of what makes it freaking exciting.

When visiting Singapore, it's a must and let me reiterate, A MUST to try the 1 dollar ice cream! It's not exactly 1 dollar now, it's 1.20 but it's still worth a try! Most of the sellers are aunties and uncles and the ice cream is definitely good irregardless if it's paired with wafer or bread! You can see a lot of this along the streets of Bugis (the famous cheap pasalubong finds) and Orchard with all the high-end malls lined up.

As long as you see a red or yellow stall like this, be sure to queue up!

When I was still looking for a job, I often go out to unwind and clear my head with all the worries. My favorite spot was along Marina Bay and Fullerton, where you can see a full view of the Marina Bay Sands on one side and the buildings full of lights on the other. It's such a beautiful place where you can just sit, talk with a friend, and relax. I always tell my friends who visit that whenever I was feeling a little down before, I go to that place to remind myself that I am in a fantastic place and that's a fact that I shouldn't take for granted.

1) In front of Fullerton Hotel with a view of the Marina Bay Sands behind
2) One of the unique benches along One Fullerton
3) A view of Singapore Flyer from a distance
4) While walking along the pathway from Merlion Park

It's such a shame that whenever I go along Marina Bay and Fullerton, the Merlion (as in the lion symbol with gushing water) is always under maintenance. But anyway, we get to catch good food nonetheless! Just a walking distance from Merlion Park and Esplanade Mall/Theatre is Makansutra Gluttons by the Bay where fewer stalls are available as compared to Lau Pa Sat and Chinatown but nonetheless, the food is amazing! This is always on my list when I tour friends around!

1) Our favorite BBQ chicken!!!
2) Home made iced lemon tea - trust me this is soooo good although sugarcane is better
3) Yang Zhou fried rice
4) Bulalo from Gerry's Grill

As it is referred to in the caption, the first photo is our favorite bbq chicken! IT NEVER GOES AWAY ON MY LIST. It's pretty common but it's really good and it's the perfect distracter while you wait for your other food as the queues are often long and it usually takes 5-7 minutes to cook. Aside from that, their home made iced lemon tea never disappoints. I like it since it's not too sweet but not bland either, it's just the perfect blend! Although after a while I have discovered that there are even more amazing things on earth like the sugarcane drink with lemon which is to die for, as how I often describe it. The fried rice is also mmmm!!! I love how Chinese stalls make the perfect fried rice. It's tasty and I can eat a 4 dollar plate by myself! And yes, there is Gerry's Grill in Makansutra - a touch of Filipino food! You know, when in some days you feel like you're missing home! It's equally good but nothing beats the one where you truly belong.

I'd end here today and show you more in the coming weeks! As I said, there are a lot of places to discover and it's not enough to put it all in one entry! Don't forget to hit comment box when you visit so I'd know you were here!

Happy travels!

Love,

Faye

Late Night

Today scares me. I am so scared to sleep and wake up later knowing you didn't take the flight. You should be on your way back now. I wish you were on your way back, but I could only ever wish :(

I should have been waking up later too excited that I can finally call you again, say my usual hola greeting, see your face or touch you. But instead I would be too scared to even remember what day is it so I can forget the fact that you won't be coming back anymore.

Citirizine, I need you.

Baby Steps

Yesterday, I watched How To Be Single with Mon. It's funny, relatable, and it's actually a perfectly done feel good movie. I am not here to write a review of it of course, but just to say how much I liked how it went and how I did get inspired in the end - to travel the world, do the things I love and enjoy the most, write in depth about the things that I care about, and read the books I have always wanted to.

After all, I have been independent most of my life. I was brought up in a single parent household, only because my father died when I was a year and a half old. I have started going to school on my own when I reached 5th grade, and I perfectly managed mornings making breakfast for myself and the rest of the day mostly alone.

I have plenty of friends and to be honest I have never felt lonely althroughout those years except when I came here to Singapore for work. It was when I realized that even though there are days when I am perfectly fine alone, the dire need for someone to be there on chosen days are not non-existent at all.

Yet another snap that he took while I was about to take a selfie on the other side

I have understood now that yes, it is possible to be lonely, yes it's possible to become helpless and out of sync with the world, but there are ways to make it better, at least a bit. He once told me that for me to get better at this (life), I have to make habits that last. Of course, it would last if its a habit (what's the point right, that was too redundant), but I meant building things, rituals, or hobbies that you know you will always be able to come back to when the world is attempting to crash on you.

By now, I should have perfectly gotten the scheme that you shouldn't depend on someone to be happy, but believe it or not, I haven't completely learned it. I wouldn't say either that I'm getting there but I am trying and I know I am not in it in vain.

One of the most common mistakes of human existence is depending on people for comfort and purpose, and it's not wrong. After all, that is how we learn to love and co-exist. But what's wrong is when you totally depend your happiness on someone that when they leave or give you any less of the attention you think you deserve, it makes you so sick that you fail to see the good things.

As what I always reiterate on my previous entries, life is so freaking beautiful. And even though there are days when I lie on the bed staring at the window and crying, I haven't lost the enthusiasm for it. Last week, I was talking to a friend and I told her that I was scared of the future and how I go crazy remembering how he looked at me with eyes glistening and how I miss that every single day from then. She told me every freaking day I would wake up for God knows how long feeling like hell, but she will be there. And honestly, that single message of assurance was all I needed.

I don't need any other assurance than "I will be there" because I can figure out all the other things on my own - I just want to know if someone's ready to stick it out for me until I am fine and back to my old self. I thought I was more than happy when he came and I enjoyed every bit of it, but when he left, I was dumbfounded that him leaving would have this effect on me. Don't get me wrong, I am still intact but I felt as if something really important left me and it bore a gut wrenching feeling on my heart.

At first, I wanted to be mad at him so I can easily forget him, but then I thought, wouldn't it be unfair to be angry at the person who made you feel happy? After all, he only gave me such beautiful memories to remember and I wouldn't want to cloud it with bitterness and deceit. Whatever happens, he will always be a good friend of mine (and I don't want to get angry at him, who would tour me around Delhi when I finally get the chance to go there :p) - someone whom I would always relate good things to.

So I am moving forward. I am going to continue having the courage to wake up every day because even if it hurts like hell as of the moment, life is nothing but beautiful. I wouldn't want to dare miss it for the world. That is not a promise though that I wouldn't write about him anymore (I still said I would write about the things I care about), but I will be moving on to create new memories and achieve the things I've been dreaming of. It might seem like there is nothing to look forward to right now but soon there will be and I have to keep reminding myself that I will get through this.

Go kick some ass, girl.

One step at a time. Read and use his Kindle account. Write. Travel the places you have always wanted to visit. Fill your colouring books. Sign up for an encounter with dolphins and seals. Get as many hugs from Cookie as you can. Hike the Grand Canyon like Alice if you wish to. (See, I practically said most of the things I would want to do and keep doing.) You will get there. As for the mean time, enjoy and spend good time alone. Make the most out of it because it might never come again.

I would insert some valuable travel entries here, soon. Remember, baby steps.

Love,

Faye

Hello, Sunday

To say I have the words for how much it has torn me into pieces when you left is an understatement - I don't have the words for it, and finding the perfect ones are almost impossible; but I want you to know how much you mean to me and there is nothing that could express that best than in writing.

I couldn't even begin to tell the story of how you came into my life - as the mere memory of it makes me remember how happy I felt when I was with you and that mere memory makes me want to breakdown and cry. How we met wasn't something extraordinary, yes, but everything that happened after that was; and all I can say is thank you.

My mind is like a video player that is on continuous repeat mode - only to replay the moments that you made me laugh, smile, or even whisper a "thank you" to God for bringing you into my life. And you know what hurts me? It's when all those moments play and I couldn't remember a single moment that made me feel bad or cry (except that time when you forgot that we were supposed to check the dogs in Poodles Cafe but that was because I was too annoyed that I cried); there wasn't any other moment that I cried or felt bad when I was with you, because you always knew how to make me feel better. You took part in making my world a better place, you taught me how to calm myself down when I am starting to act up because I couldn't get the things that I want or something as simple as I want to sleep and I couldn't - you always had a solution for things, you always had a way with me.

No matter how overreacting this sounds, I have to admit I am scared of the future and the only reason it makes me feel better at times is knowing that the only way to be okay is by trying to face every single day without you. The night you left, I was so scared to sleep because I know when I wake up, I won't be able to do my usual routine of bugging you on a Saturday morning - calling you on FaceTime and telling you what I am going to read, watch, or just plainly annoying you. I am scared to go through Sunday and realize that you are not there anymore to say I want to watch a movie, feed the turtles, or do colouring books with. I am so scared for the following weekends to come because you were a regular person to spend the weekends with and I don't even want to dare facing them without you.

Tears fill my eyes when I look through the window and grasp the idea that you won't be here anymore - to laugh with, tell my lame jokes to (make me pathetically smile when you tell yours), call or WhatsApp, hug, or even kiss. It doesn't make sense whenever I remember that you didn't really want to leave and yet you were taken away from me. They are dropping again as I write this and I just miss you badly, there is nothing I would do to have you back with me even for a while. To bully you in giving me kisses every two minutes, wrapping your arms around me, waking you up when you're sleeping, or sitting beside me so I can use you as a magic pillow to feel safe.

I can still vividly remember the moments that made me smile most - the honest remarks that would randomly come out of your mouth, that time when I peed inside the room and your face was just bloodshot you couldn't think of anything to say but "it's okay", and the fact that you had to clean it two hours later but you still think I am adorable (I could tell by the way you look at me when I do my puppy face that shows nothing but remorse for peeing), when I display my out-of-the-world clingy behaviours that gives way for your patience to be practiced, and whenever I ask for "chompans" and you would tell me you don't want to give but you're almost there and we both burst into laughter.

Randomly, I would open my photos gallery, check the snaps we took together, and I feel my heart breaking into a million pieces. It's different how you made me smile even just by sitting beside me or staring at you when you sleep. I'll miss how your eyes looked like and how I always kissed them when I had the chance. There might be a million words to tell you how I feel but not one of them perfectly fits the puzzle.

Thank you for taking the best photos (more like, for making me smile effortlessly for these photos)

I couldn't even begin to end this entry, because I know that ending this would just make me closer to accepting that you will no longer be around. You are in my thoughts and prayers - I hope you find the peace of mind that you want, find a job or start a business that you would put your passion and life into, marry a woman that would make your heart skip a beat every second, and give the security that you wish your family would always have. I may never have uttered those three words when I had the chance but I know my actions were enough for you to at least feel them. Thank you for setting the standard, for giving me something you refer to as best. 

Now I have something greater to remember India for - you. You have always known my fascination for Taj Mahal and even the last time you were with me, you assured me that it is something beautiful, something that I should definitely visit someday. I may have said this countless of times now but thank you for giving me such beautiful memories, for setting the standard, for showing me that there is someone out there meant to treat me well, and that at any given moment, I should never settle for anything less than the best.

This probably wouldn't be the last time I will write about you but for the mean time, it's all my heart could speak of. Hasta la próxima vez, Mi Amor.

To My Almost

"I just want to belong to someone, Ruby. I'm tired of waiting. 

And it feels good with him." 

In the past few weeks, I've been constantly struggling. Struggling at work to keep up with the paper works, struggling with being away from my friends, struggling from the sadness brought by my Mama and Tito's departure, and struggling from forgetting you and how good you made me feel. There are days when I would be sad, cry, and wait for the misery to pass by... But nonetheless, I am grateful.

There is this person who made me feel so much better even though I am miles away from home; and this entry would be dedicated to him. Even if it's an imagination, a dream, or something that only I was able to feel, I am still going to write however I feel for you and that's okay.

I will never forget the first time you talked to me thru text. At the back of my mind, I was thinking... This man is so lame for saying the corniest pick-up lines and yet he made me smile. I was going through lots of work and I couldn't reply quick so I told him sorry but I won't be able to send fast messages back and he said it was okay, he was patient anyway.

Few days on and we talked about meeting each other and I really didn't have plans to meet you but you were just so persistent that I felt, maybe he is not that bad at all. He sounds so open and cool, very thoughtful even (clearly it was his sales skills), so why not give it a go?

When I met you, you were skinny and to be honest it wasn't exactly my type. Anyway, what could go wrong right? You sound so smart, honest, and all the more, you were the perfect gentleman. You would open the door, take whatever I need without being asked, and assist me do things that I would normally and was used to doing myself.

The past two months was a high. I got spoiled with good morning texts everyday, random compliments that would just come out of you, and your patience is nothing to be compared of. I love how I would learn things from you or how you just give me unsolicited touches to make me feel better. You knew the right things to say when I was sad or when I was just mad that you slept off the night before. I saw how you value your family and I thought, this is the kind of man that I would want to be with. I saw how you smile and how you were eager to tell me about your life - and I valued every second of it. I even remember when you showed me the Youtube video of the mathematics skill that I've seen Indians do and your cute laugh and joy when I finally learned how to do it - and the remark that you said when you see me enjoying it. That time when you asked me if you can meet my Mum when she visits (no one ever asked me that), I was surprised and I laughed. Who would do that? We are not even together. But deep inside, I was quite happy. You wanted to meet the people who mattered to me, and it's not all the time in our lives when people close to us would value the people we love the most. When I would scream at you in texts and just demanded things to be done due to my hormonal imbalance, when I seemed like this crazy girl that no one could deal with, you remained patient and even if we both know you were already annoyed, you remained cool, and you stayed. That's the remarkable part - you always stayed.

I don't love you, that's for sure. I know it for myself and I have always known. But you were great, and what makes me sad is the fact that you wouldn't be there for the rest of the journey that I have. How you made me smile every morning, how you comforted me when I wasn't feeling the best of myself, how you made me realize that whatever happens - I should be happy because I deserve nothing but that.

You and me knows why you had to go and I completely understand. The other day, I was talking to a friend and she told me, every time you're sad because he walked away, think. If there is any way that he would choose you will you be able to stay with him? No. Yes, I thought of introducing you to my family, letting my cousins meet you because they were just so excited for me (I've always been a baby and I never had anyone meet them), and I know they would be happy to meet you since for sure they'll be impressed by how hard working, smart, and decent you are. But after that, I barely see anything to follow... Honestly, what more can I do and offer? I can't even let you meet my Mum, only because I know she wouldn't approve. And even if there were a few times that I attempted to tell her, I only backed out as I was too scared of her reaction, even if I was just going to introduce you as a friend. Clearly, there's nothing more I can do and I wouldn't want you to waste your time with someone who couldn't even determine the future. So I realized, it's okay. It's okay to watch you walk away and to proceed being happy with someone else; because there's someone meant for you and that's not me.

When a person has made you smile and made you feel like nothing will be able to turn your world around - you will treasure him. And I will always do. Thank you for being a good one. When I was not my best and I was just angry and impatient, you were still there. When I always blamed you for being too attached and all the other things - you understood. I hope all the best for you and yes, I will remain the happy giddy girl that I am because that's how it was when you came and it will be still be even if you leave. All I wish for is one last time - one last time to see you smile, one last time to hear you say something, one last time to touch and hug you, one last time to finally say good bye. And no matter how hard it will be to get it, I will still pray and hope.

You were my shining star, my almost, my what if - I will never forget you and all the happy memories you gave me in a very short time. Thank you for being you and keep on chasing your dreams - the rest I will tell you when we finally meet.

Love,

♛